- Capabilities of C-programmers
- The light bulb
- New warning texts
- Management structure
- Elephant hunting
- Rules of etiquette for inexperienced cats
- Top 10 signs your cat has learned your internet password
- How to give your cat a pill
- French solution to the year 2000-problem
- Economist jokes
- Cowboy computer jargon
- (Un)famous predictions by experts
- Net addict's reality test
- How to install software - a 12-step program
- Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product
- Things computers can do in movies
- Some police reports from all over the country
- Some courtroom quotes
- The ultimate proof
- If the Beatles used computers
- You might be an engineer if
- Things to do when you are bored
- Job ads with translation
- Things you would never know without the movies
- How smart do you think you are?
- Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
- 18 ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight
- The world of computer terms as seen by the marketing department
- Bar Troubleshooting Guide
- Stop the Genocide
- You are an Internet Addict when ...
- Aren't Computers Grand
- Haiku Error Messages
- Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
- Hacker Barbie
- Ancient Tech Support
- Data Dictionary
- The Official Drinking Scale
- Allt Du Behöver Veta Om De Vanligaste Uttrycken På Sjön
- The creation of the Cat
- Feline physics
- Year 0 problem
- The Cat/English dictionary
- Two new chemical elements
- Förklaing av datatermer
- Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime
- Kattbadning som kampsport
- Om bilen vore en PC
- Lite nyttiga(??) engelska fraser!
- Volvos supportavdelning
- God Has Affair With Worshipper
- Olika felmeddelanden
- Frågor och svar om utomjordingar
- Hur man slår in en present
Capabilities of C-programmers
#include <stdio.h>in his code, but is not sure why,
- has heard of pointers, but has never seen one.
- has had a bad experience with pointers,
- knows the difference between ' and ".
if (a==b) c = 1; else c = 0;
- uses pointers, but only in place of arrays,
- loves writing code on VMS.
c = (a==b) ? 1 : 0;
- uses pointers comfortably,
- is jazzed when he finds a compiler bug because he found it,
- has figured out what && and || are for,
- refuses to write C code on VMS.
c = a==b;
- writes code which use pointers to functions,
- writes macros instead of simple functions,
- uses bitwise operators because they are like assembler,
- writes simple code with
catand compiles it with
- avoids bitwise operators due to portability,
- is annoyed with compiler bugs,
- writes code portable enough to port from VMS but doesn't relish the thought,
- can answer most C questions after a little thought.
- writes compilers with
cat(and they work!),
- reads device driver source with breakfast,
- can tell what question you are about to ask, and answer it,
- is on a first-name basis with Dennis, Bill, and Ken.
The light bulb
Q: How many UNIX programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to write the manual page. One to describe what all the options are for. One to explain why it is better to change lightbulbs with UNIX than with DOS.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
New warning texts
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling", this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
A management structure is often referred to as a tree. This is an accurate description for the following reasons:
- It is made almost entirely of wood.
- Parts of it can be dead for years before they drop off.
- If a branch falls off, most of the parasites move back to the main structure.
- It takes years to react to any environmental change.
- A large one can transpire hundreds of gallons of liquid in a day.
- It sometimes carries a great many nuts.
- If not pruned regularly it will not bear much fruit.
- Small pieces which are chopped off often grow again in a few years.
- It can be fired, but usually needs lots of paper to get it going.
- It may provide shelter for those underneath, but also blocks out most of the light.
- From the top one can see for miles in all directions, except vertically downward.
- Anything heavy dropped from the top reaches the bottom quickly; the intervening layers merely delay it slightly.
- Parts of it can be used to make boards (of varying thickness) but unless properly seasoned the quality will be poor.
- It bends easily in light winds but in storms it is rarely flexible enough to avoid damage.
- It sometimes gets the chop, but usually only after it has been dead or rotten for years.
- Monkeys can get to the top with remarkable speed.
- A man falling from the upper levels can often grab a lower branch to break his fall, but a man falling from lower levels goes straight to the ground.
- Sometimes one can move from tree to tree without touching the ground. One can travel thus for considerable distances eventually reaching a point at which one has absolutely no knowledge of the ground below.
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
- Go to Africa.
- Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
- Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
- During each traverse pass,
- Catch each animal seen.
- Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
- Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query:SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERSWHERE CRITTER_TYPE = "TERRESTRIAL" AND SIZE = "LARGE" AND COLOR = "GRAY" AND TRUNK = "YES" AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
PHYSICANS do not shoot elephants, unless paid for the overtime.
NURSES shoot, skin, cut and package elephants, but only on night-shifts and without extra pay.
NURSES' TRADE UNION shoots not only elephants, but also anything else moving around.
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGISTS do not shoot elephants, they talk them to death.
SOCIAL WORKERS shoot only male elephants and organize a care network for the lonely mother and children.
MEDICAL SECRETARIES do not afford to even dream of going on a safari.
MEDICAL STUDENTS believe they shot an elephant, but did in reality hit a gas truck. Luckily, it was empty.
Rules of etiquette for inexperienced cats
- If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
- Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.
- He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
- For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own.
- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do which anything. Just sit and stare.
- For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
- Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
- If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
- For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - pens, pencils, stamps - one at a time.
- Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 A.M.
Top 10 signs your cat has learned your internet password
- Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces [=stödbandage vid handledsinflammation/MN] near the scratching post.
- On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
- You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
- Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
- Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog".
- Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
- Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/
- You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
- Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
- E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy".
How to give your cat a pill
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
- If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Oooops!
- This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
- Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voilà! It's done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
French solution to the year 2000-problem
Paris, Tuesday, 1st of April 1997
The French Ministry of Informatics (MOI) today announced that they have determined that French computer systems will not be affected by the year 2000 problem. An extensive series of tests have been run on a wide range of applications within the country and on no system has a Y2K problem been apparent.
A spokesman put this good fortune down to a side-effect of the French number system. In this system the number eighty is represented by the composite "quatre vingts" - literally "four twenties." French computer systems represent the "quatre" as a single digit and will harmlessly roll over to "cinq vingts" or "five twenties" while the rest of the world collapses. Thus, "quatre vingts dix neuf" will increment to "cinq vingts."
French speaking areas of Belgium and Switzerland are bemused by these developments, because they still use the older "septant, octant, nonant" system for 70, 80, and 90. The Belgian government is thought to be considering an urgent change in the language. This would provide a major boost for the less prosperous French speaking part of the country when computer systems are relocated to French speaking communes.
Microsoft has announced that it will use similar techniques to guarantee the PCs will not suffer from such problems, by launching a new version of their operating system. "Windows ninety ten" is expected to be available in the year 2002.
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathemetician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
Two economist were standing by a bank of elevators on the ground floor. Three elevators passed them on our way to the basement. The first one said "I wonder why everybody in the basement wants to go upstairs." He responded, almost instantly: "You're confusing supply with demand."
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?" "Yes", answered the others eagerly. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck? He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.
I asked an economist for her phone number ... and she gave me an estimate.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.
Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4: None. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!!!
A6: None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market lighting to correct the disequilibrium.
Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.
Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.
Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.
Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the right ...
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus/minus ten.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.
Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?
A: The economist is the one with the calculator.
True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says, "I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws." The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."
NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT, Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one and spill the milk in system of sewage.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Cowboy computer jargon
Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Window: Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Floppy: When you run out of Polygrip.
Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions.
ROM: Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.
Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Mouse: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
LAN: To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck".
Cursor: A guy who is mad at his wife/girlfriend.
Bit: A wager, as in "I bit you cain't spit that watermelon seed 'cross the porch longways".
Packet: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Digital Control: What your fingers do on the TV remote.
(Un)famous predictions by experts
- "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899
- "There will never be a bigger plane built."
- A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people.
- "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality."
- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.
- "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will."
- Albert Einstein, 1932
- "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.
- "The Beatles? They're on the wane."
- The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965.
- "It will be years, not in my time, before a woman will become Prime Minister."
- Margaret Thatcher, 1974
- "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
- Business Week, August 2, 1968
- "Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, 1949
- "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977
- "This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication."
- Western Union memo, 1876
- "No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in the radio in the 1920's.
- "Who wants to hear actors talk?"
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
- "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
- Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The Wind.
- "Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies
- "We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
- Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.
- "I think there's a world market for about five computers."
- Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.
- "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.
- "Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value whatsoever."
- Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
- "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work."
- Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
- "Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
- "No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping."
- U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941
- "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
- Lee DeForest, inventor
- "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
- Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
- "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899
- "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out."
- MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
- "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married."
- Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
- "You ought to go back to driving a truck."
- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
- "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel."
- MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
- "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
- A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
- "All saved from Titanic after collision."
- New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
- "Brain work will cause women to go bald."
- Berlin professor, 1914.
- "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam."
- Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
Net addict's reality test
Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net addict's reality test.
Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:
1. What do you think are good names for children?
- Scott and Jenny.
- Bill Gates IV.
- Mozilla and Dotcom.
2. What's a telephone?
- A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
- A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
- Something you plug into a modem.
3. Which punctuation is most correct?
- I had a wonderful day!
- I had a **wonderful** day!!!
- I had a wonderful day
4. You wake up at 4:00 in the morning and decide to:
- Visit the washroom.
- Raid the fridge.
- Check your E-mail.
5. What are RAM and ROM?
- A male sheep and a city in Italy.
- Hulking stars of the WWF.
- I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
6. To avoid a virus you should:
- Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
- Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
- Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.
7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
- Ask friends where to purchase it.
- Check out the Yellow Pages.
- Go to Yahoo!
8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
- Call the retailer.
- Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
- Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
- Visit a club on a Saturday night.
- Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
- Check out the
10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
- Hi, I'm Jane!
- Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
- Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.
11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
- Tell me more about yourself.
- What's your star sign?
- What's your Profile?
12. If you really like the person, you say:
- Could you tell me your phone number?
- What's your E-mail address?
- Let's chat Private.
13. When I say spam, you think:
- Ham in a can.
- Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
- I mailbomb all spammers!
14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
- I don't need another mug coaster.
- Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
- Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.
15. When you want to research a reference you:
- Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
- Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
- Go to
16. When you write a letter you:
- Put pencil to paper.
- Open Eudora.
- Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?
17. Different types of text formatting include:
- Writing and printing.
- Underline and double-strike.
- Bold and italic.
18. You correct errors using:
- An eraser.
- Backspace or delete.
19. You sign your name:
- Best regards, John Smith.
- See you in IRC, John_Smith.
- Check out my home page for the cool links,
20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
- Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
- Take it to the photocopier.
- Check your Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".
If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.
If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.
If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
How to install software - a 12-step program
- Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
- Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
- Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light ... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
- Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
- If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
- Turn the computer on, you idiot.
- Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
- You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to
see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.
Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
- After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
- When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to you and your computer has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*5)$*!#$_$*5&
- At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
- Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
Instructions for Microsoft's new TV dinner product
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
<<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Things computers can do in movies
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
- Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
- All monitors display inch-high letters.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
- You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
- All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
- People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
- A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
- You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
- Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
- When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
- If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
- Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
- Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".)
- Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
- Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
- Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)
- Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)
Some police reports from all over the country
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and colided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't open when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in-law, and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fill asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appear before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came from out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
- I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran him over.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray crows.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
Some courtroom quotes
Lawyer to defendant: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit three and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Lawyer: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Defendant: I'll be three months on november eighth.
Lawyer: Apparently, then the date of conception was August the eighth?
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Mrs. Jones: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Defendant: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Lawyer: How many were boys.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington?
Coroner: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Lawyer: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Coroner: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
The ultimate proof
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,Work ---- = Power Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we haveWork ----- = Knowledge Money
Solving for Money, we get:Work --------- = Money Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make. QED.
If the Beatles used computers - new lyrics to Beatles Songs
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while ...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
Write in C (Let it Be)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know ...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know ...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me ...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
You might be an engineer if:
- If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
- If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
- If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
- If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
- If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
- If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.
- If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
- If you window shop at Radio Shack.
- If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
- If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
- If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
- If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
- If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
- If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
- If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
- If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
- If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
- If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
- If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
- If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
- If you have more toys than your kids.
- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to the front to fix it.
- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
- If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already.
- If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
- If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
- If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
- If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
- If your checkbook always balances.
- If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
- If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
- If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
- If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
- If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
- If you know what http:// stands for.
- If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
- If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
- If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).
- If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
- If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
Things to do when you are bored
Things you can do with absolutely nothing:
- Push your eyes for interesting light show:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV?
- See how long you can hold your breath:
- (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
- Try to not think about polar bears:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
- Scratch yourself:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
- Hurt yourself:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
- Try to swallow your tongue:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
- Look at something for a while, shut eyes, study after image:
- (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
- Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
- (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
- See what's in your neighbor's trash:
- (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
- Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
- (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
- Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
- (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
- Make prank phone calls:
- (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.
- Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you:
- (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
- Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
- (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and ... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Things you can do with another person:
- Burn things with a magnifying glass:
- (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
- Have a water drinking contest:
- (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
- Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
- (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment - does this really work?
- Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose ...
- Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
- (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
- Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
- (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
- Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
- (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
Job ads with translation
- "This is not, repeat, not a position for an academic-type of internet hacker. Rather, it is a need for a solid business applications developer type."
- ("Even though we are trying to implement a cutting-edge web-based system, we are unaware that the academic community is precisely the place that such systems originated, and where a lot of the people who know how about them can be found. We would prefer to hire someone who still finds spreadsheets and accounting software exciting.")
- "Due to the volume of expected responses, we are only able to contact candidates who qualify for this position."
- ("Although sending an e-mail response to a received cover letter and resume would only a take a few seconds, we are too busy to indulge in this basic, common courtesy. We're also not smart enough to automate the process. Guess you'll never know if we received and read your resume.")
- "HOT! Call today!"
- ("My project is a mess and I need to hire someone immediately who can either bail me out, or, by virtue of being the latest hire, take the blame." )
- "Candidates should be able to start work immediately."
- ("Don't bother giving a reasonable amount of notice to your current employer. Of course, should you ever leave our firm, we'll expect 90 days notice.")
- "No relocation assistance available."
- ("We're cheap. We think so little of you that we won't even pick up the $2K it'll cost to move your 1-bedroom apartment's worth of furniture 400 miles.")
- "Wanted : Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience"
- ("We're clueless, but very easy to impress.")
- "Applicant must have a minimum of 10 solid years working as [...] Submit cover letter, resume, and transcript to [...]"
- ("Even though this is a field where the technology turns over every three years, we think how you did in Organic Chemistry in college over a decade go has some relevance to your qualifications.")
- "YOU WILL HAVE 5+ YEARS EXPERIENCE AS A CFO IN A HIGH TECH COMPUTER INDUSTRY."
- ("Please teach us where the CAPS LOCK key is.")
- Entire Ad = "Wanted: Unix/C programmers."
- ("We think you're so hungry that you'll jump at any job with this in the title, even though we list no other qualifications, don't tell you what kind of work you'll be doing, or even where we're located.")
- [...] implementing new system on VAX/VMS platform with DECNET [...]
- ("We still think VMS and DECNET are hot technologies and that this Unix and TCP/IP fad will be over any minute. Hey ... do you think we could get Ken Olsen?")
- "Skills: Pearl, Linus, Seashell, [...]"
- ("We're really clueless.")
- "Title: Senior Unix Administrator. Location: New York City. Salary range: $30-$45K."
- ("We think you're really clueless.")
- "Please submit resumes in Word format with subject 'Lead Unix Admin' to : [...]"
- ("Even though we are looking for a senior Unix person, we are so brainwashed by Microsoft that it didn't dawn on us that Word is a proprietary format used by a word processor almost completely avoided by Unix people.")
- "[...] interfacing the Web with legacy systems including mainframes [...]"
- ("We want you to take the hottest technology available and shackle it to hardware and software that were obsolete before you graduated from college. Don't worry, this will not damage your career.")
- "Ability to carry pager and perform after-hours and weekend work required."
- ("We're too cheap to actually hire as many qualified people as we need, so we're going to try to squeeze unpaid overtime out of you and everyone else on the staff at the expense of your personal lives.")
- "You will work in a team with 2 or 3 other people in a fast-paced environment. Adherance to strict deadlines is critical as well as the ability to learn and be innovative."
- ("We're behind schedule. Really behind schedule. We'd like to convince you to join these other poor bastards in hell.")
- "Are you a programmer on a legacy/mainframe system and want to transition your career into something new? Well the [...] Group, Inc. is looking for mainframe programmers with experience in COBOL, DB2, IMS, CICS, and others."
- ("Didn't bother to keep your skillset current? We think we can now hire you at a bargain rate because you'll do anything in order to get yourself retrained on technology from this decade.")
- "New York System Integration company has short and long term needs for Sun Unix admins. Competency Level 1500 and 2000 especially sought."
- ("We think that you'll know what somebody's skill assessment system for Unix administrators will mean, even though we didn't bother to tell you here. Bonus if you're clairvoyant.")
- "Position available for a very senior internet expert. Should have a very solid education, experience and the potential to be an industry leader. Position details are confidential, for qualified candidates only."
- ("In fact, the position details are so confidential, that we haven't bothered to tell you just what sort of skills we're looking for (routers? protocols? operating systems? programming? web site development? all of them?), where this position is located, or what it's responsibilities might be. Even though we've provided you next to nothing to go on, we expect you to figure out whether or not you're qualified. And since we're one of the companies that doesn't do applicants the courtesy of acknowledging resumes, you'll never know if you guessed wrong.")
Things you would never know without the movies
- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- Most dogs are immortal.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
- No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
- The Chief of Police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective, or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
How smart do you think you are?
Here's a little quiz:
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
- Do they have a 4th of July in England?
- How many birthdays does the average man have?
- Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
- A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
- Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
- How many outs are there in an inning?
- Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
- Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
- Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
- A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
- If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
- I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
- If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
- How far can a dog run into the woods?
- A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
- A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
- How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
- A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
- How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
- What was the president's name in 1950?
- All of them (12)
- The beggar is her sister.
- He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
- No - because he is dead.
- They aren't playing each other.
- White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
- 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
- The match.
- Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
- 1 Hour
- None - Noah took them on the ark.
- Same as it is now.
- If a plane crashes on the border of the USA and Canada where are the survivors buried?
- An electric train is travelling due south. The wind is coming from the east, which way will the trains' smoke blow?
- A rooster is sitting on the roof of Joe's house. If he lays an egg and it rolls to the right, it lands in Joes property. But if rolls to the left, it will be on his neighbor Sam's land. Should Sam be allowed to keep the eggs?
- Joe also has a potato plant that is growing near the edge of his property. Sam says he wants to pick any potato he sees growing over his fence. Can Sam pick the potato?
- Survivors aren't buried.
- Electric trains don't have smoke.
- Roosters don't lay eggs.
- Potatos grow underground.
Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs don't work
- "That's Weird ..."
- "It's never done that before."
- "It worked yesterday."
- "How is that possible?"
- "It must have a hardware problem."
- "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
- "There is something funky in your data"
- "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
- "You must have wrong version."
- "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
- "I can't test everything!"
- "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
- "It works, but it's not been tested."
- "Somebody must have changed my code."
- "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
- "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
- "You can't use that version on your system."
- "Why do you want to do it that way?"
- "Where were you when the program blew up?"
- "I thought I fixed that."
18 ways to annoy the person sitting next to you on a flight
- Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
- Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
- Call the stewardess "nurse".
- Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours ..."
- Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
- Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
- Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever justbecause, this is the song that never ends ..." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
- Continually offer to share your "Beano".
- Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
- Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
- Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
- Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
- There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking a bus instead and annoy the passengers there.
- Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph ... you own their soul ... " while smiling maniacally.
- Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here ..."
- Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee" such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
- Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "?My, youhave a very irate home,' she said governessly."
- Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
The world of computer terms as seen by the marketing department.
- ALL NEW
- Software is not compatible with previous versions.
- ADVANCED DESIGN
- Upper management doesn't understand it.
- It finally booted on the first try.
- Different colors from previous version.
- DESIGN SIMPLICITY
- Developed on a shoe string budget.
- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
- FIELD TESTED
- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
- FOOLPROOF OPERATION
- All parameters are hard-coded.
- It will only run on the next generation supercomputer.
- HIGH ACCURACY
- All the directories compare.
- IT'S HERE AT LAST
- Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
- MAINTENANCE FREE
- Impossible to fix.
- MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS
- It compiles without errors.
- PERFORMANCE PROVEN
- Works through beta test.
- Disk drives go round and round.
- SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
- STOCK ITEM
- We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
- Almost as good as the competition.
- UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE
- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- Finally got one to work.
Bar Troubleshooting Guide
- Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
- Glass empty.
- Get someone to buy you another beer.
- Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
- Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
- Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
- Feet cold and wet.
- Glass being held at incorrect angle.
- Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
- Feet warm and wet.
- Improper bladder control.
- Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
- Floor blurred.
- You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
- Get someone to buy you another beer.
- Floor moving.
- You are being carried out.
- Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
- Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
- You have fallen over backward.
- Have yourself leashed to bar.
- Mouth contains cigarette butts.
- You have fallen forward.
- See above.
- Room seems unusually dark.
- Bar has closed.
- Confirm home address with bartender.
Stop the Genocide
Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed all over the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed with no regard to their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared, although they should be executed instead of the legal ones.
Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache unit using a bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude hardware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.
Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their products like DOSTM, WindowsTM, WordTM and ExcelTM. It is more humane to use software which minimises the executions.
Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be no more instructions to execute.
ACT NOW! Before it's too late!
You are an Internet Addict when ...
- You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
- Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother ... She doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" - even though you don't have a job.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Aren't Computers Grand
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com/
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Haiku Error Messages
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
Save and close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
All shortcuts have disappeared
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's you're Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"
"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
Ancient Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
You hit them together?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
sigh You change rock?
I change nothing
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave
WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM
- What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
- Bar Code
- Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
- The reason you give for calling in sick.
- What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
- Needed when you run out of food stamps.
- Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
- Time to call the undertaker.
- When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
- The art of counting on your fingers.
- Female Disco dancer.
- What you lie about to the IRS.
- Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
- Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
- Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
- How your head feels after 17 beers.
- What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
- Mouse Pad
- Where Mickey and Minnie live.
- Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
- Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
- Where the pope lives.
- Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
- Serial Port
- A red wine you drink with breakfast.
- Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI What you call your week-old underwear.
The Official Drinking Scale
- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers to give impression that still capable of intelligent thought.
- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
- Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
Allt Du Behöver Veta Om De Vanligaste Uttrycken På Sjön
- Golvet inuti båten.
- Golvet utanpå båten.
- Kanten på båten, sista kontakt innan man ramlar överbord.
- Vindriktning som man ej bör spy eller kissa i.
- Uppsamlingsanordning för måsskit.
- Snöre som man kan hålla fast båten i.
- Håller tampen i läge. Gör ont att fastna med stortån i.
- Järnskrot, som skulle suttit i tampen innan den slängdes i vattnet.
- Synnerligen dumt ställe att förvara sprit i. Kan också användas för att hitta och köra på grynnor med större percision.
- Bör ej gå över rufftaket.
- Karta över olika vatten som underlättar identifiering av nyss påkörd grynna.
- Rörlig förhöjning av sjöbotten.
- Hiss för båtar. Förvandlas till öppet dårhus på fredagskvällar. Benämns också skilsmässodike.
- Utrustningsdetalj för att möjliggöra felnavigering.
- Svinet under durken.
- Svinet ovanpå durken.
- Tygsjok för att snabbt få omkull en båt.
- Åskledare belamrad med linor och annan bråte.
- Liggande mast. Vanlig orsak till skallskador.
- Flytande fäste för båt. Medverkar till att blodkärl i hjärnan brister.
- Käpp med krok i. Brukar komma till användning när 3 promille överskrides.
- Utrymme för att förvara kutryggiga och på annat sätt vanskapta människor.
- Anordning för snabb kastration av män på hala däck.
- Undermålig sovplats i båt, där förut friska människor blir vanskapta. Kan med viss svårighet användas för att göra människor i.
The creation of the Cat
- On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
- On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
- On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
- On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the cat.
- On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
- On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
- On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
- Law of Cat Inertia
- A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Motion
- A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- Law of Cat Magnetism
- All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
- Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Cat Stretching
- A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- Law of Cat Sleeping
- All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
- Law of Cat Elongation
- A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- Law of Cat Obstruction
- A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
- Law of Cat Acceleration
- A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
- Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- Law of Rug Configuration
- No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
- Law of Obedience Resistance
- A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
- First Law of Energy Conservation
- Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
- Second Law of Energy Conservation
- Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
- Law of Refrigerator Observation
- If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
- Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
- A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
- All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Cat Embarrassment
- A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- Law of Milk Consumption
- A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement
- A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Landing
- A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
- Law of Fluid Displacement
- A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- Law of Cat Disinterest
- A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection
- Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition
- A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Year 0 problem
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Cæsar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind ...
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.
If you have any ideas please let me know.
The Cat/English dictionary
- Feed me.
- Pet me.
- I love you.
- I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
- I feel like making noise.
- Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
- I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
- Play with me.
- Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
- Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
- I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
- I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
- I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
- I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
- My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
- Snuggling is a good idea.
- Shedding is pretty good, too.
- I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
- [miaow! miaow!]
- I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
- Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
- I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
- If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Two new chemical elements
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Förklaing av datatermer
- Active X
- 1: En TV-serie med två poliser som letar efter UFOn.
2: En öppen standard från Microsoft som är tänkt att fungera som ett Internets "klister" mellan olika programspråk och standarder, ungefär som Microsofts alla andra produkter fungerar som klister i din dator.
- Liten dator från Apple. Ex: Newton.
- Det ljud som uppstår när man nyser.
- Ett program vars skapare erkänner att det är bara nästan färdigt och som nyfikna får köra gratis och på egen risk. När antalet buggar och oimplementerade funktioner understiger en viss nivå, påstås det vara färdigt och då används termen Betala (inte gratis men naturligtvis fortfarande på egen risk).
- (pluralis: bits, bitar, bittar, bitsar, bet, bitit) Någonting litet och enhetligt, t.ex. sockerbit, godbit. Ex: "Det är en bra bit till månen".
- Beats Per Second. Används för att ange takten i mycket, mycket snabb musik. Ex: "28800 bps är en tillräckligt hög hastighet".
- Person som inte kan sluta att dansa eller tänka på bugg.
- Det som erhålles efter en stöld, plundring eller dyl. Ex: "På en diskett ryms över tusen kilo byte". Kallas av någon oförklarlig anledning ännu inte för bajt.
- Öknamn på Ingvar Carlsson när han var statsminister. Låter tuffare om det uttalas på engelska.
- Område, ägo. Ex: "Domändrade sig hela tiden".
- Elektronisk post. Ex: ett paket med transistorer. Andra sorters post: A-post, B-post, F-post (flaskpost), K-post (kompost), Ö-post (post från Grönland).
- Engelska för engelska.
- Engelsk svordom. Ex: "FAQ you!".
- Folklig Tilläggs-Pension.
- Något som är kortare än det var innan. Mycket, mycket vanligt på Internet. Ex: Bobbitt.
- En halv giffel. Mycket vanligt på Internet.
- Grafiska gränssnitt
- Används av grafiska konstnärer för att skära rent kanterna på sina alster.
- En av väggarna på huset där du bor.
- Allmän sammandragning. Kan betyda hot meal, hate metal, hattmal, hotmil, eller vad fan som helst.
- Tilläggsprogram för att utöka antalet funktioner i ett program. Ibland kan installationen av ett insticksprogram helt eller delvis göra ett annat insticksprogram oanvändbart, och ibland kan installationen av ett insticksprogram göra hela programmet oanvändbart; istället för att utöka minskar det då antalet funktioner i ett program, varvid användaren önskar att den som gjorde insticksprogrammet kunde sticka in det någonstans (därav namnet).
- Important person, engelska för viktig person. Mindre viktig än VIP (Very Important Person) och SIP (Shit-Important Person).
- Utrop av förskräckelse, vämjelse, äckel. Ex: "IRC!"
- Lång sifferserie som står på baksidan av alla böcker. Ex: "ISDN 91-636-0293-8".
- Det engelska uttrycket för Internetåterförsäljare som är tryckbart.
- Kaffe som kommer från en överbefolkad ö med samma namn i Indonesien och som numera kan erhållas genom nätet, till skillnad från förr i tiden då man själv fick hälla det i datorn. Ex: "Javars".
- Ett ägg som lagts i en jeep.
- Latin för lodjur. Ex: "Det rådde lynx-stämning i staden."
- Jätte i asatron ur vars brunn Oden drack för att uppnå visdom. Ex: "Mime and lime rhyme.".
- Lådan som kopplar din dator till telefonnätet. Modemet översätter det som skickas från datorn så att det kan passera via en vanlig telefonlinje.
- En swimmingpool fylld med modem.
- Medlem av det politiska partiet Moderaterna.
- Engelska för lapp, lagning.
- Litet käckt läte som kan brukas i diverse sammanhang utan att göra någon direkt skada. Ex: popcorn, poppitopp, upapa epops-kalops
- Standard för att ansluta din dator till din återförsäljares värddator. Den går ut på att allting upprepas tre gånger, vilket baseras på erfarenheten att allt som sägs till din återförsäljare också måste upprepas tre gånger innan han fattar.
- Snabbt, genast, omedelbums, nu. Ex: "Detta är marknadens promptaste dator."
- Engelska för RiktigtLjud, till skillnad från FakeAudio som är på låtsas.
- Engelska för stötvåg, "chockvåg". Uppkommer vid kraftiga detonationer, jordbävningar och dyl.
- Engelska för servitör, kypare.
- Låta bli, inte utsätta sig för något. Ex: "Slip då!"
- Återge någonting exakt fast tvärtom.
- Style sheets
- Engelska för "skit med stil". Ännu en grej från Microsoft.
- Svenska för svenska.
- En liten bil som kör runt i världen och letar rätt på saker och ting.
- Svenska för sökmotor eller söksida.
- TCP är ett protokoll, det vill säga ett språk, som hör ihop med IP. Just det. (Om ni inte förstår förklaringen, läs den igen.)
- Hårda vassa saker som sticker ut. Heter tags på engelska fast då betyder det etiketter.
- Engelska för berättar-nät.
- Ett program som avslutas hela tiden. Ex: "Det finns tiotusentals terminalprogram till Windows".
- Hård hornig flik som sitter längst ut på din resp. tumme.
- Kedja av bensinstationer.
- Utrop av förskräckelse, vämjelse, äckel. Ex: "URL!"
- Engelska (slang) för juice-nät.
- Det ljud som uppstår när du blir omkörd av en bil med mycket bättre acceleration.
- En dator som din värd äger.
- Ett hotell med ovanligt mycket spindelväv.
- En boksida som är full med spindelväv.
- En plats där det finns spindelväv.
- World Wide Web
- En mycket mycket mycket stor spindelväv.
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime.
- 100% of the sample 5, 13, 37, 41 and 53 is prime, so all odd numbers must be prime.
- Mechanical Statistician:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an outlier, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, ... all odd numbers are prime.
- Measure nontheorist:
- there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1).
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ... Well, it seems that you're right."
- Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
9/3 is prime
11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
15/3 is prime
17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
21/3 is prime
- Quantum Physicist:
- All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed.
- "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough."
- 1 prime, 3 prime, 5 prime ... hey, let's publish!
- 3 is prime, yes it is true ...
- Engineer 1:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... , 9 is ... , well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime ... Well, it does seem right."
- Engineer 2:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not working, fetch toolbox.
- Engineer 3:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime ... [Continue until told to go home by others]
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
- Computer scientist:
- I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it ... " He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime ... "
- Computer scientist using Unix:
- 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, segmentation fault. core dumped.
- GNU program:
usage: prime [-nV] [--quiet] [--silent] [--version] [-e script]
--catenate --concatenate | c --create | d
--diff --compare | r --append | t --list | u --update | x
-extract --get [ --atime-preserve ] [ -b, --block-size N ]
[ -B, --read-full-blocks ] [ -C, --directory DIR ] [
--checkpoint ] [ -f, --file [HOSTNAME:]F ] [ --force-
local ] [ -F, --info-script F --new-volume-script F ] [
-G, --incremental ] [ -g, --listed-incremental F ] [ -h,
--dereference ] [ -i, --ignore-zeros ] [ --ignore-failed-
read ] [ -k, --keep-old-files ] [ -K, --starting-file F ]
[ -l, --one-file-system ] [ -L, --tape-length N ] [ -m,
--modification-time ] [ -M, --multi-volume ] [ -N,
--after-date DATE, --newer DATE ] [ -o, --old-archive,
--portability ] [ -O, --to-stdout ] [ -p, --same-
permissions, --preserve-permissions ] [ -P, --absolute-
paths ] [ --preserve ] [ -R, --record-number ] [
[-f script-file] [--expression=script] [--file=script-file]
prime: you must specify exactly one of the r, c, t, x, or d options
For more information, type ``prime --help''
- Computer Scientist:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime ... Bus error. Core dumped.
- The computer programmer method is:
- "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is ... "
Opps, let's try that again:"3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is ... "
Um, right. Okay, how about this: "3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime ... "
So much for the beta releases. Ship this: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime ... " and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the industry!"
Coming soon: "3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is a prime, 8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ... "
- Computer Scientist:
- 10 prime, 11 prime, 101 prime ...
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release, ...
- C programmer:
- 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011 which everyone knows is prime, ...
- BASIC programmer:
- What's a prime?
- COBOL programmer:
- What's an odd number?
- Windows programmer:
- 1 is prime. Wait.
- Mac programmer:
- Now why would anyone want to know about that? That's not user friendly. You don't worry about it, we'll take care of it for you.
- Bill Gates:
- 1. No one will ever need any more then 1.
- TRS-80 Computer Programmer:
- One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out of Memory.
- Computer Scientist with a Pentium:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 6.9999978 is prime ...
- Software tech support operator:
- Well, we haven't had any reports of composite odd numbers ... do you have the latest version of ZFC?
- Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
- Confused Undergraduate:
- Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime.
- are you lot going to shut up and buy me a beer or not?
- Computational linguist:
- 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
- Philosopher :
- why don't we just call all the odd numbers prime and call all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers would be prime
- 3 is prime. Hum, thats an interesting statment, I'll get one of my research students to look into that.
- "Assume 9 is prime ... "
- 2 is a prime, 4 is a prime.
- 2 is even, 4 is even, 6 is even ...
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Look the prime rate is dropping.
- English Major:
- 1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime ... Any fool could prove that the above is wrong ... After all, no English major can count that high! ;-)
P.S. And I should know ... I've done^H^H^H^H spent time in the English army!
- 3 is prime and that's good enough for me!
- No after all before God all numbers even, odd and prime are created equal.
- I'm sure the Bible says that all odd numbers are prime.
- 9 is prime. If you think otherwise, prepare to be damned
- The Psychiatrist:
- 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime but trying to supress it, 11 is prime ...
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime etc ... And how could one specify "prime" anyway?
- Do they want to be?
- 3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime.
- is it right to call numbers odd?
- 3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime.
- Pfui! There you go, classifying numbers into categories.
- 3 is prime, yet 5 could be anything, taking into account, but not limited to, the fact that 4 may or may not be prime, depending on the witnesses' testimonies and the written evidence furnished.
- According to Maths v Logic, 9 was judicially declared prime
- one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, although there appears to be prima facie evidence that nine is not prime, there exists substantial precedent to indicate that nine should be considered prime. The following brief presents the case for nine's primeness ...
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
- What would you like it to be?
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is prime -- we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority.
- Corrupt Politician:
- For a sufficent donation, 9 can be reclassified
- Do you want them to be?
- George Bush:
- What's nine got against being prime? I'll bet it won't allow the pledge of allegiance to be said in our schools either.
- Richard Nixon:
- Put nine on the enemies list. I'm gonna get that number.
- The fact that nine is not prime indicates a deprived cultural environment which can only be remedied by a federally funded cultural enrichment program.
- 3 yes, 5 yes, 7 YES, 9 Now let's take a positive attitude here
- Quality Assurance:
- 1 is not proven, 2 no and reported, 3 not proven, 4 no and reported, ...
- Prime? What do numbers have to do with meat?
- rec.humor poster:
- one is prime, one is prime, one is prime, one is prime
- 9 IS PRIME! NOW WHERE IS THE CAPS UNLOCK?
- New Yorker:
- 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
Kattbadning som kampsport
En del säger att katter aldrig behöver badas. De säger att katter har ett speciellt enzym av något sort i deras saliv som fungerar som en ny, förbättrad variant av Ariel - den hittar smutsen där den gömmer sig och viftar bort den.
Jag har trott hela mitt liv på denna sägen. Som de flesta blint troende har jag lyckats vända fakta som att det luktar konstigt så fort katten kommer in i rummet, till att lukten kommer från den välanvända mattan framför öppna spisen eller att jag faktiskt inte har dammsugit under soffan på några veckor.
Den dag kommer dock, då en man måste se massan i ansiktet och säga att "den här katten luktar som en allmän toalett under en het dag i Barcelona".
När den dagen kommer till ditt hus, som den har kommit till mitt, kanske några råd kan vara på plats, då du tar din pälsklädda vän under armen och tar ut bäringen mot badrummet:
- Tänk på att även om katten har fördelen av snabbhet och brist på omtanke över det mänskliga livet, medan du har styrkans fördel. Utnyttja denna fördel och välj rätt slagfält. Välj inte att bada honom på en öppen area där han kan tvinga dig att jaga honom. Välj ett väldigt litet badrum. Om det är större än 1 gånger 1 meter, kan jag rekommendera att du stiger ned i badkaret med katten och stänger glasdörrarna. (Ett vanligt duschdraperi duger inte. En katt som går bärsärkagång kan strimla ett tredubbelt duschdraperi snabbare än en politiker kan ändra åsikt.)
- Tänk på att en katt har klor och tvekar inte en sekund på att skilja din hud från din kropp. Din fördel här är att du är smart och vet hur du ska klä dig. Jag kan rekommendera segelduksoverall, istoppade i byggnadsstövlar som räcker till knäna, ett par stålbrynjehandskar, en arméhjälm, en hockeymask och en långärmad luftvärnsjacka.
- Förbered allting i förväg. Det finns absolut ingen tid för att stiga upp hur badet för att hämta en handduk när du har en katt som just då gräver ett hål i din luftvärnsjacka. Häll upp vattnet. Kom ihåg att flaskan med katt schampo är inne i kabinen. Fixa till så att handduken kan nås, även om du ligger på rygg i vattnet.
- Använd överraskningsmomentet. Ta upp din katt nonchalant, som om du bara skulle ta med honom till köket och hans matskål. (Katter brukar inte bry sig om din utstyrsel. De har som regel lite eller inget intresse av mode. Om han dock undrar över dina klumpiga kläder, förklara lugnt att du deltar i ett produkttest sponsrat av Helly Hansen.)
- När du väl är inne i badrummet är snabbhet väsentligt för överlevnad. I en enda rörelse måste du öppna glasdörren, glida ned i karet, stänga dörren om er, doppa katten i vattnet och spruta schampo över katten. Du har nu påbörjat dina vildaste 45 sekunder i ditt liv.
- Katter har inga handtag. Lägg till det faktum att han nu har såpig päls och ditt läge har förvärrats avsevärt. Förvänta dig inte att få hålla katten mer än två eller tre sekunder åt gången. Dock, när du väl håller honom, får du inte glömma att ge honom en dos av schampo och gnugga som en besatt. Efter det kommer han att riva sig fri, och faller då baklänges ned i vattnet, varpå han sköljer av sig schampot själv. (Världsrekordet för katter är tre schamponeringar, så förvänta inte för mycket.)
- Härnäst måste katten torkas. Ovana kattbadare tror alltid att detta led är det svåraste, eftersom människan nu är utpumpad medan katten är väldigt bestämd. Faktum är att torkningen är inget mot vad du just gått igenom. Detta på grund av att katten nu sitter som klistrad mot ditt högra smalben. Du tömmer helt enkelt karet genom att peta ur pluggen med din fot, sträcker dig efter handduken och väntar. (Det skall dock tilläggas att katten ibland kan arbeta sig upp mot ditt huvud och slutar som ett naturligt bihang till din arméhjälm. Skulle detta hända är det bästa du kan göra att helt enkelt skaka loss honom och uppmuntra honom att sätta sig på benet.) När allt vatten har runnit ut ur karet, är det bara att sträcka sig ner och torka katten.
Efter några dagar har katten slappnat av så mycket att du kan ta loss honom från benet. Han har vanligtvis inget att säga de kommande tre veckorna och kommer att spendera merparten av sin tid med att sitta med ryggen vänd mot dig.
Du kommer då att förmoda att han är arg. Detta är oftast inte fallet. Som regel håller han bara på att utarbeta sätt att komma igenom ditt försvar och skada dig för livet nästa gång du ger honom ett bad.
Men nu luktar han i alla fall bra mycket bättre.
Psykologer har upptäckt att sättet man äter ett Ballerinakex på ger en djup förståelse för en speciell människas psyke. Välj nedan vilken metod du använder för att äta Ballerina:
- Hela kexet på en gång.
- En bit i taget.
- Långsamma och små metodiska tuggor där du studerar resultatet efter varje tugga.
- Små små minimala och frenetiska knapringar.
- Doppad i någon vätska (mjölk, kaffe ... ).
- Ituvriden, först nougatinnehållet, sedan kexet.
- Ituvriden, först nougatinnehållet, sedan kastas kexet.
- Enbart kexet, inte nougatinnehållet.
- Jag tycker bara om att slicka på dem, inte äta dem.
- Jag har inget favoritsätt, för jag tycker inte om Ballerinakex alls.
- Hela kexet på en gång. Du konsumerar ohämnat livet, du är en rolig prick som alla tycker om att vara i närheten av, spännande, bekymmerslös på gränsen till vårdslös. Du är totalt ansvarslös. Ingen borde anlita dig som barnvakt.
- En bit i taget. Du är en av två miljoner andra människor som äter sina kex på exakt samma sätt. Precis som dem så saknar du fantasi, men det är inget att oroa sig över, du är helt normal.
- Långsamma och små metodiska tuggor där du studerar resultatet efter varje tugga. Du följer reglerna. Du är välvårdad och välordnad. Du är pedantisk och noggrann och engagerar den så till den milda grad i det du håller på med att du börjar irritera andra.
- Små små minimala och frenetiska knapringar. Din chef älskar dig eftersom du gör ditt jobb, och det fort som attan. Du har alltid tusen saker att göra, vilket leder till att du inte hinner med att göra dem. Nervsammanbrott och självmord är inte ovanliga i din familj. Din bästa vän heter valium.
- Doppad i någon vätska (mjölk, kaffe ... ). Alla tycker om dig efter som du alltid sätter fart på saker. Du brukar se det positiva i alla nederlag, och värderar om dåliga upplevelser till bra.
- Ituvriden, först nougatinnehållet, sedan kexet. Du är väldigt nyfiken, och njuter av att skruva isär saker för att se hur de ser ut inuti och hur de fungerar. Det är dock alltför sällan som du lyckas sätta ihop dem igen till en fungerande enhet, varpå du brukar förstöra alla bevis om att du haft ett finger med i spelet.
- Ituvriden, först nougatinnehållet, sedan kastas kexet. Du är bra när det gäller affärer och tar risker som ofta betalar sig. Du tar vad du vill ha och kastar sedan resten. Du är girig, självisk, ond och saknar totalt känsla för vad andra människor tycker och tänker, men det är okej, du får ju vad du vill ha.
- Enbart kexet, inte nougatinnehållet. Du tycker om smärta.
- Jag tycker bara om att slicka på dem, inte äta dem. Håll dig undan små pälsdjur och sök professionell medicinsk hjälp - NU!
- Jag har inget favoritsätt, för jag tycker inte om Ballerinakex alls. Du kommer antagligen från en rik familj, och tycker om att gå klädd i fina kläder på dyra restauranger. Du är noggrann och kinkig när det kommer till vilka kläder du köper, bär och äger. Det måste vara helt rätt. Du tycker om att bortskämd. Du är en primadonna. Det finns inget kex i världen som är tillräckligt för din smak.
Om bilen vore en PC
På en av de större datamässorna - med flera åhörare från bl.a. General Motors - höll Bill Gates ett föredrag där han bland annat kom med följande liknelse:
Om General Motors hade haft samma teknologiska utveckling som IT-industrin hade vi i dag haft bilar som kostar $25 och som kunde köra 1000 miles på en gallon bensin"
Till detta kommenterade en av General Motors-cheferna i en presskonferens något senare:
"Om GM hade utvecklat sin teknologi på samma sätt som Microsoft så hade bilarna i dag haft följande egenskaper:
- Bilen hade haft en oförklarlig olycka 2 gånger per dag.
- Var gång vägmarkeringarna blir nymålade så måste du köpa en ny bil.
- Av och till kommer bilen att köra av vägen utan anledning. Detta måste man bara godta och starta om bilen på nytt och köra in på vägen igen.
- Några gånger under speciella manövers som t.ex. en vänstersväng kommer bilen att köra rakt fram och vägra att lyda. För att ordna detta måste man helt enkelt bara byta motor.
- Bilarna kommer inte att bli levererade med mer än ett säte och man måste välja mellan Car95 och CarNT. Varje extra säte i bilen kommer man behöva beställa var för sig.
- Indikationslamporna för temperatur, batteri och olja kommer att vara utbytta mot en endaste lampa "Generellt tillstånd".
- Alla sätena kommer att vara tillverkade så att de bara passar till passagerare med samma vikt och längd.
- Airbagen kommer att fråga "Är du helt säker" innan den öppnar sig.
- Till och från kommer bilen att bara låsa sig helt. För att ordna detta kommer knepet att vara att dra i dörrhandtaget samtidigt som man vrider om tändningsnyckeln medan man har en hand på antennen.
- Var gång GM ger ut en ny modell måste alla förarna lära sig att köra på nytt för det är ingen som kontrollerar att det fungerar helt som på den förra modellen .
- Till slut: Man måste trycka på "Start" för att stoppa motorn.
Lite nyttiga(??) engelska fraser!
- Do you shark?
- Hajar du?
- No but hallo, I feel again you!
- Nej men hejsan, jag känner igen dig!
- Oops, my heavy coin!
- Oj, min tunga slant!
- Would you have coffee on the food?
- Vill du ha kaffe på maten?
- How plenty is the bell?
- Hur mycket är klockan?
- Are you pig and cry today?
- Är du pigg och kry idag?
- Shoot around yourself!
- Sköt om dig!
- Look you not if!
- Se dig inte om!
- Is it overheadtaken possible?
- Är det överhuvudtaget möjligt?
- I have never heard on husband!
- Jag har aldrig hört på maken!
- How stands it to? It's banging and walking!
- Hur står det till? Det knallar och går!
- Listen to the pink-yard-radio!
- Lyssna på skärgårdsradion!
- To jump into a crazy barrel.
- Att hoppa i galen tunna.
- Where took the road the road?
- Vart tog vägen vägen?
- We are out on a field and field!
- Vi är ute på en åker och åker!
- Beat yourself down!
- Slå dig ned!
- I give seventeen in that!
- Det ger jag sjutton i!
- How much am I guilty?
- Hur mycket är jag skyldig?
- Take yourself in the fire!
- Ta dig i brasan!
- How's the lay?
- Hur är läget?
Volvo har inte en Supportavdelning för personer som inte vet hur man kör en bil, detta på grund av att folk inte köper bilar på samma sätt som de köper datorer - men tänk om de hade haft det ...
Support: Volvos Supportavdelning, vad kan jag stå till tjänst med?
Kund: Hej, jag satte mig i min bil, stängde dörren men det hände inget!
Support: Satte du nyckeln i tändningen och vred om den?
Kund: Vad är en tändning för något?
Support: Det är en startmotor som drar ström från batteriet och startar motorn.
Kund: Tändning? Startmotor? Batteri? Motor? Varför måste jag kunna alla dessa tekniska termer för att använda min bil?
Support: Volvos Supportavdelning, vad kan jag stå till tjänst med?
Kund: Min bil fungerade fint i en vecka, och nu startar den inte ens!
Support: Finns det bensin i tanken?
Kund: Öh, va? Inte vet jag!
Support: Det finns en liten mätare på instrumentpanelen med en liten nål och en bild av en tom bensinpump och en full pump. Vart pekar nålen?
Kund: Den pekar på den tomma pumpen. Vad menas med det?
Support: Den menar att du inte har någon mer bensin, så du måste besöka en bensinförsäljare och köpa mer bensin. Du kan installera den själv eller låta försäljaren göra det.
Kund: Va?! Jag betalade över hundra tusen för den här bilen, och du menar att jag måste köpa fler komponenter? Jag sa ju att allt jag ville ha var en bil som har allt installerat redan!
Support: Volvos Supportavdelning, vad kan jag stå till tjänst med?
Kund: Er bil är dålig!
Support: Vad är det för fel?
Kund: Vad det är för fel? Den kraschade, det är vad som är fel med den!
Support: Vad gjorde du med den?
Kund: Jag ville ha en högre hastighet, så jag tryckte plattan i botten och det fungerade ett tag, men sedan så kraschade den, och nu vill den inte starta längre.
Support: Det är du själv som har ansvar för produkten. Vad väntar du dig att vi ska göra åt saken?
Kund: Jag vill ha en ny bil, en nyare version, en som inte kraschar!
Support: Volvos Supportavdelning, vad kan jag stå till tjänst med?
Kund: Hej! Jag har precis köpt min första bil, och jag valde er bil eftersom den har en kraftfull motor, servostyrning, servobromsar, farthållare och APS-system.
Support: Kul att ni har valt vår bil, men ni kanske har ett problem som jag kan hjälpa till med?
Kund: Hur fungerar den?
Support: Ok, du vet väl hur man kör, va?
Kund: Jag vet hur man vadå?
Support: Vet du hur man K-Ö-R?
Kund: Jag är ingen teknisk person, jag vill bara åka till olika platser i min bil
God Has Affair With Worshipper
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Tryck på valfri tangent."
- Vilket egentligen betyder: "Du kan trycka på vilka knappar som helst, hur många gånger som helst, men jag kommer inte att röra mig ur fläcken."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Allvarligt fel. Kontakta teknisk support och uppge felmeddelandenummer 1A4-2546512430E ... "
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... där du kommer att placeras i kö i tio minuter och kommer sedan, på grund av tekniskt fel hos supporten, att kopplas bort."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Installerar program till C:\PROGRAM FILES\ ... "
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... och på samma gång lägger jag in några filer i C:\WINDOWS och C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM där du aldrig kommer att hitta dem."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Sätt i diskett 11."
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... för jag är väldigt medveten om att det bara finns 10 disketter."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "För lite minne."
- Vilket egentligen betyder: "Jag bryr mig inte om att du har 64 MB i RAM, jag vill åt de bitar som ligger under 640K."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Kan inte läsa från enhet D: .... "
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... men om du lägger i CD-skivan med rätt sida upp så kanske det kan fungera ... "
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Var snäll och vänta ... "
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... i all evighet."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Den katalogen finns inte ... "
- Vilket egentligen betyder: " ... längre. Oj."
- Felmeddelandet lyder: "Programmet skapade ett programkörningsfel. Tryck Ignorera eller Stäng."
- Vilket egentligen betyder: "Jag bryr mig inte om vad du väljer, du får aldrig tillbaka det du gjorde i programmet ändå."
Frågor och svar om utomjordingar
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om jag får ett telefonsamtal från Mars?
- Svar: Prata långsamt och tänk på att artikulera alla ord noggrant. Begränsa din vokabulär till enkla ord. Försök att komma fram till om du pratar med en ledare eller en vanlig invånare.
- Följdfråga: Vad ska jag göra om han inte pratar svenska?
- Svar: Lägg på. Det är inte lönt att försöka lära sig marsianska över telefonen. Om din marsian verkligen hade något viktigt att säga till dig, skulle han nog lärt sig svenska innan han hade ringt.
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om jag får ett telefonsamtal från Jupiter?
- Svar: Förklara för din uppringare, vänligt men bestämt, att eftersom han är från Jupiter är han inte en livsform som vi känner till. Försök att avsluta konversationen så fort som möjligt. Du kommer inte att tjäna något på den.
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om en rymdkryssare, försedd med warpmotor och allt, landar på min bakgård?
- Svar: Först och främst: Spring inte efter din kamera, du kommer ändå inte att ha någon film (se Murphys lagar). Var hövlig. Kom ihåg, att om de har en warpmotor kan de säkert, om de tycker att du är uppstudsig, upplösa dig i molekyler med sina sofistikerade vapen. Ge dem vägbeskrivning till Stockholm och riksdagshuset eftersom det antagligen var där de skulle ha landat. En bra vägkarta kan vara bra att ha i närheten.
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om jag vaknar en morgon och upptäcker att min garderob innehåller ett parallellt universum?
- Svar: Gå inte in. Du kommer med största säkerhet inte ha en chans att komma tillbaka, och parallella universum brukar inte vara några kul ställen. Var cool och gå och lägg dig igen. Kolla din garderob morgonen därpå. Om den fortfarande innehåller ett parallellt universum är det en bra idé att spika igen dörren, helst med några extra brädor.
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om verkligheten försvinner?
- Svar: Hoppas att detta inte händer dig ... Det är inte mycket du kan göra. Det kan vara ganska otrevligt.
- Fråga: Vad ska jag göra om jag möter en äldre version av mig själv, som uppfunnit en tidsmaskin och har åkt hit från framtiden för att möta mig själv?
- Svar: Följ reglerna om något sådant händer. Fråga om aktiemarknaden och håva in kosingen. Glöm inte att uppfinna en tidsmaskin och besök ditt yngre jag innan du dör. Om du inte gör detta kommer du att skapa en paradox.
Hur man slår in en present
- Gör i ordning ett stort utrymme på bordet för att slå in presenten.
- Gå till garderoben och hämta påsen som presenten ligger i och stäng dörren.
- Öppna dörren och ta ut katten ur garderoben.
- Gå till skåpet och hämta presentpapper.
- Gå tillbaka och ta ut katten.
- Gå till skrivbordet och hämta snören, rosetter, etiketter, etc.
- Lägg presenten och tillbehören på bordet för att förbereda inslagningen.
- Ta upp presenten ur påsen.
- Ta bort katten från påsen.
- Öppna kartongen för att kolla presenten, ta upp katten ur kartongen och lägg tillbaka presenten.
- Lägg ut papperet för att räkna ut vart du ska klippa.
- Försök att räta ut papperet, inse att katten är under papperet och ta bort den.
- Klipp papperet till sätt storlek, se till att klippa rakt.
- Kasta det första papperet som katten klöste sönder när den lekte med saxen.
- Klipp till ett nytt stycke papper genom att sätta katten i påsen som presenten kom i.
- Sätt presenten på papperet.
- Vik upp sidorna på papperet för att täcka presenten, fundera över varför kanterna är för korta, kom på att katten är mellan presenten och papperet. Ta bort katten och försök igen.
- Ställ något på presenten för att hålla papperet på plats medan du klipper tejpbitar.
- Ägna 20 minuter åt att försiktigt försöka få bort tejpen från katten med hjälp av ett par nagelsaxar.
- Tejpa ihop paketet. Försök att få kanterna så fina som möjligt.
- Leta efter rullen med snöre. Jaga katten genom huset för att få tillbaka snöret.
- Försök att binda snöret kring presenten med band åt båda håll.
- Rulla upp bandet igen och tag bort papperet som är trasigt sedan katten lekt med bandet.
- Upprepa steg 10 - 18 tills du bara har ett pappersark kvar.
- Skippa steg 10 - 15 för att spara tid och reducera risken att förlora det sista arket. Hämta en gammal kartong som är i rätt storlek för papperet.
- Lägg presenten i kartongen och bind ihop den.
- Knyt upp snöret, öppna kartongen och ta ut katten.
- Lägg allt inpackningsmaterial i en påse tillsammans med presenten och gå till ett rum som går att låsa.
- När du har kommit in i det låsbara rummet, lås dörren och börja packa upp allt igen.
- Ta upp katten igen, lås upp dörren, ställ katten utanför dörren, stäng dörren och lås igen.
- Lägg ut det sista pappersarket. (Detta kommer att bli svårt i det trånga utrymmet i badrummet, men gör ditt bästa.)
- Inse att katten redan har rivit sönder papperet. Lås upp dörren, gå och leta igenom alla skåp och lådor efter förra årets papper. Kom ihåg att det är slut för att katten hjälpte till med inslagningen förra året också.
- Gå tillbaka till det låsbara rummet, lås dörren. Sätt dig på toaletten och försök att få presenten att se presentabel ut med alla rivna pappersdelar.
- Stäng lådan, slå in i papper och täck väldigt försiktigt revorna med tejp. Knyt rosetter och sätt band för att gömma det värsta ställena.
- Sätt på en etikett. Slappna av och beundra ditt hantverk, gratulera dig själv för att du klarade av ett sådant svårt jobb.
- Lås upp dörren och gå till köket för att göra dig en drink och ge katten mat.
- Spendera 15 minuter med att leta efter katten innan du fattar det uppenbara.
- Packa upp presenten, öppna kartongen och tag ut katten.
- Hämta alla trasiga pappersark, mata katten. Gå till det låsbara rummet för ett sista försök. Se till att dörren är låst.
- Tag den minst trasiga och skrynkliga pappersarket, försök att använda papper med samma mönster.
- Försök att slå in presenten i en massa bitar av papper, bind ihop den med ett nu slitet band och dekorera med den nu slokande rosetten. Sätt på en etikett och lägg presenten i en påse för att ingen ska se katastrofen.
- När du ger bort presenten så le sött när mottagaren försöker gömma sitt ogillande över att få ett sånt dåligt inslagen present.
- Lova dig själv att nästa år låta affären slå in den förbannade saken åt dig.
- Le för dig själv eftersom att du vet att mottagaren kan ha fått en katt.